So.

So...

So...

She did it. She finally did it. The one who made me the vampire I am today. The woman I literally worshipped.

And it wasn't even my fault, y'know? Not properly. She went for me. I would've defended myself, but never intended for that to happen - even if she tried to do it to me.

Would she have got the same treatment, if I'd ended up as a pile of dust, instead of her?

I doubt it... Probably some excuse would've been given and swallowed whole.

And so, here I am. Cast out, until further notice.

Well, I've still got my lover. Not that she can stop it from burning inside, but it's a start. At least before it was just incidental. Now I'm just... Hated.

I remember that little episode in my unlife, not too long ago. The one where I was able to look at myself, objectively, then lament how I'm not as independent as I supposedly should be.

Maybe it's time for that to change.

There's no kill like your first... And my last was far too long ago.

I don't know why I've been denying myself that sort of a pleasure since coming back, I really don't. After that night with Leah, I'm glad I'm not anymore.

Poor girl. Think catching me with that redhead must have shaken her up a tad.

Well, maybe I should be so surprised at that. I guess I was awfully... Engrossed when she found us. I used to leave just a teensy bite, but what can I say? Sometimes you just get the urge to really open a throat up and dive right in, y'know?

Which is strange, considering I've hardly ever had that before, if ever. Still, it was fun. That's what matters. Maybe it was just time my vicious side to let loose a little more.

All I know is it felt good. Better than good. The kind of good you feel like exploring some more, maybe. The kind of good where you don't know why you've been making yourself miss out on it, all this time.

I don't know why Leah looked so shook up about it. I said she'd be welcome to join... What's wrong with that?

I'm thinking of adding a chapter to my book. I think people should know how it's like for us to feed. Or me, anyway. And since those few recent reminders of what food tastes like, I think I've got just the analogy I need.

Jam doughnuts...

It's true!

Well, if the dough part was made out of, like, honey roast ham or something, but... Yeah... Sugary, sweet jam. Except not so slow. I used to kind of think that, anyway. You're meant to taste the iron in it, like it's metal, but I never did, even when my heart had a beat. It's always been sweet to me.

And since I've been this way, it's even more so.

Last night reminded me of just how true that is.

Not as much as a Slayer, though... What was her name, again? 'Jo', wasn't it? And I still have that interview with mommy's favourite, Rhiannon, to do...

What a bad, wicked girl I'd be if I went and arranged something unexpected.

( Not A Journal Item - Rated Adult For Content )

I am so back again!

And so grateful, too.

I'm not being flippant, because we both witnessed some dreadful things, right at the end, there. We were in the thick of it, it's true, although not nearly so much as those on the ships.

Those are memories I don't think are ever going to leave me. I'm not sure I'd even want them to. I'm kind of... Humbled, but also still pretty much in shock. I haven't mentally processed it yet, but I'm going to need to.

I think Deanna must be the first vampire in history to have been in danger of having a heart attack, when I saw her.

Oh yeah... Gratification all the way, baby... That's what I'm talking about...

They don't call her a Frenchwoman just for geographical reasons, you know.

We pretty much exhausted one another, as you can imagine. I don't know if it was a heartbeat or all the stress I was suffering from, but... This is my kind of therapy, y'know? Definitely.

I'm pretty sure it was the latter, anyway. I was kind of loosening up and learning to live a little, closer to the resolution of it all. Not that either of us has any actual clue about what happened. Deanna said something about wanting to be reminded to be thankful for snakes or something. I'm not sure what it means, but she told me not to worry.

Yeah, that's Deanna-ese code for me having to tease it out of her, later.

Suffice to say, she seems to have had something to do with my return. Or knew someone who did. Whatever the whys and wherefores of it all, I'm thankful.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And she got my letter! Yay!

Speaking of which, I've got more than a few messages of my own to go through. Seems she never updated Mallory with what was going on, but maybe she thought it best not to worry her. In any case, the girl's kind of... Frantic about something or the other.

Yes, here I am, back in the Las Vegas of 2011 and I have to go and talk to Mallory Quinn. I think she's my own personal cosmic test or something.

Well, you know what? Good. I'm back, I'm free and I've got teeth again!

Next stop: Recovering my sanity.

Urgh...

Drink. Bad. Heavy limbs!

All I remember is a kiss, something about Bethany and striking up some sort of a beneficial arrangement.

Oh... You don't think... Do you?

No... No, wait... No way. There'd be some sort of a clue if that happened.

To cap it all off, I found a picture of me and Purity in a drawer. Really not the kind of reminder I need, right now. My head's pounding enough, as it is.

I don't think guys have to deal with all these... Swirling emotions, you know? We do.

I'd identify us by using the title of 'the fairer sex', but as I almost recently murdered my partner and she just incinerated the car I gave her, right outside Fang Noir, then maybe that's not really the most accurate description of my gender.

What? Does she think I like this? That I like myself, right now? That I've even been liking myself for weeks? Maybe she just didn't want to hear the part about how I tried to be honest her, specifically because of that.

Of course, that kind of blew up in our collective face, so...

And what kind of a message was that meant to send? That I might not care if she died? Well, my first thought was that she might've been inside it (and yes, I was thankful when they told me nobody was). That she wants to hurt me? She certainly did quite the number on the bodywork... That she wants to burn me out of her life forever and have me know it?

Well, congratulations.

Yeah, you can go walk around in anger and hatred, despising everything I stand for. I'll just wallow in the self-loathing, OK? Yeah, that should just about even it out.

I recognise there's something wrong with me. You're better off without me. I'm damaged goods, babe.

Hate me. Smite me. I'm sure you do.

And that's just fine.

I know I deserve it.